Reflections !!!

Thoughts do keep flowing ...but so much has been happening around that i never got time to put it to paper. Was i confused enough to make my mind on what i felt?? did i have a story to tell. Dreams do say what you're feeling ;maybe in a confused set of signals that take a deep amount of reflection and comprehension to interpret, but then my consciousness was by itself too hazy by the everyday issues of life. Yes ! i admit, for once i slipped from a dreamy piscean to a normal man thinking of everyday issues. The good thing though is that I'm back.

I read a blog recently on lifestyle and decision making- budgeting, living your life completely and all that jazz. What struck me though was this thought about living your life completely. You always have things you want to do, but then as you grow older the lines entwine and then suddenly the decisions you make affects more and more people. First your parents, then your friends...then your woman and then the family and if your unlucky enough..even the whole world. That what set me thinking. My dreams are back..unpleasant as before. Ive always had them and kind of happy i have them more because i know my mind is working than because it ain't as bad as before.

Yet this is what i was thinking. From being labelled lazy to a workaholic, its been more an issue of perspective than of my own change of leaf. Yet i still contemplate on the decisions i took. More than what it was right for me , was it right for the people who got entwined in it. I really don't know because maybe I'm not really able to make my mind on that, but I'm sure i did try to give my best to one and all. However the other day, someone was labelling me a workaholic. It was a complement and a flattering one indeed. Yet it reappeared in my dreams- a single 8 hour show of my life with a background commentary of things going on in my mind. Unfortunately i awoke with a sweat - because i knew , every moment i was trying only for one person at a time. When i raised one , i lowered another in my set of priorities and in the worst of moments , it was me as the priority when everyone just broke down around me.

I'm not sure whether I'm right about things, because i keep hearing good things. Do i feel good inside is the question?? Maybe and maybe not!! its a thing I'm pondering. Am i a workaholic who sets his energy levels high until he sleeps. Maybe not. n

This is my resolution here!! sitting alone in the US contemplating on the intricacies of life. Ive grown since my last post on this blog..but i still have to ..if i believe in making everyone associated with me to gain a meaning in this association. Last but not the least, i need to see meaning in my own existence.

The question at the end of the day is that though- Have you thought about this??

Do my dreams hold a question for someone else?

Are we all just selfish in looking what what our goals are and are we just pushing for that??

Don't defend...let the good and evil of your mind hold the debate while you're a spectator in observation. Therein lies the true meaning of a reflection on the self. !!!

Bikeosterone !!

There always comes a point in time when , no matter what the echelons of faith inside you , no matter the amount of self belief and determination you hold inside , your mental system falls to all time low. Starved for being liberated by music and starved for the need to find my identity back again , the city of chennai loomed large in front of my eyes, when every blink was made in the hope that somewhere there might be a shining light. Alas that was not to be.
As they say, the Lord is always benovelent and seems to show a path whenever we are caught in a torrent of mental turmoil . The only catch is that we need to recognize its path. A trip to the local chai shop made me delusional. I thought my bike was saying something to me. Must have been the extra revs , but then the engine seemed to be much more eager than usual. Yes i had promised someone i would be in bangalore that night and sure i had suggested my bike as the option. Yet the bus seemed much more endearing to the lazy slouth that chennai had made me. One pat on my belly reminded me the truth, the bitter truth, that i too had become a burping pot-bellied symbol of the city of heavy food, contented living and a slow pace of life. My bike beckoned to me once again. The brakes and clutch which i was sure was not upto the mark just in the evening suddenly seemed to be sharp and precise. The decision was made - It was time to be untamed.....it was time for rediscovery ..of my mind and soul. This was the beggining of one of the best impromptu trips i have ever made.

The Day : 07 August 2009
The time : 0400 AM
The mood : extremely disturbed and tired.
Armed with nothing but a sweater and a T shirt i set out . Google maps of course told me the path to take. Yet i still wasnt sure whether i wanted to go all the way. My tires were as flat as an old mans head, the brakes as unsure as a 60 year old to win a 100 meter dash. Yet i moved on .
A chai at madhya Kailash renewed my vigour and i was ready to take the challenge atleast as far as Sriperumbudur. I thought i might atleast take a few pics at the Rajiv Gadhi Samadhi. My days in chennai were so boring that i never paid attention to the camera i carried. The batteries were all out and my trip was in vain. A cold chilling drive later i landed at Sri perumbudur. The truth came out and my anger knew no bounds.

The thoughts in my mind were of unfathomable anger and frutration. I decided...screw the tires...to hell with the brakes...the bike has a full tank and im on my way. My head reeling in craziness, i sang aloud as i drove - from john denver to the eagles, from lamb of god to 2 pac - Hail Music!!! hadnt it been for you i might not have driven that day. As my throat cleared up and some adrenalin began to flow, the speedometer chugged along and i was cruising.

I stopped at a junction and asked - " Hey Bosss - bangalore entha vazhi" .
The answer was ominus - " ponga Sir !! ore straight six lane highway!! straight bangalore"

Yet I guess the amicable wasnt prepared to give me the whole wide road to myself. Out of nowhere the heavens thundered and it rained like it was the last one the world was to see. With visibility low to barely about 10 meters, and with a sweater on that grew heavier by the minute , i couldnt but curse my luck. Soon enough , the hands grew blue and numb but then i had begun to enjoy the rain. I loved every minute of it. The freedom, the sense of euphoria and happiness that rain gives can never be explained. Speeding at 60 with the raindrops hitting you like razors and visibility to a real low, the journey became all the more exciting and fun. This was what i needed, this was exactly what i wanted.
120 kms into the trip, the rain eased and i slowly started to see the initial signs of the ghats. As the road stood straight and long, the avenger , a true blood cruiser that it is, help its place - firm and low on the road like a gazelle sprinting across the grasslands. The feeling of being one with the bike is yet aother one that nobody except a bike lover can understand. THe feel as you bend and shift your body weight and keep the same speeds as you take the turns, the confidence you feel as the engine revs to overtake with ease and the feeling you get with your arms out streched and wind in your chest is just unbelievable. This was a ride that was set to change my destiny.

As always i made my trip more meorable by mixing with the locals whereever i could. Stops at the local chai shops fed me with stories of myth and wonder. From the local diety to ghost stories to black magic to politicians and folk lore - the villagers discussions in the wee hours of the morning was an amazing treat that just added spice to life. Unfortunately my camera was kaput and i had no option but to absorb as much as i could and commit it to memory. I can still remember the faces of those old men and women weaving out those stories.
220 kilometers and 4 stops later i found myself out of vellore and heading towards krishnagiri - the ghat section which i was waiting for. Though only a few kilometers long, this part was the dessert serving of the whole trip. weaving roads with huge tall mountains of breathtaking beauty on either side and those warning boards of accident zones were all too amazing an experience. Up on the hills and looking at the town below , i couldnt but take in the wonder of nature. A few minutes ago i was feeling like a mortal and suddenly i was feeling like God. I must admit , the avengers punch line was only holding true in this case. I was feeling like GOD himself. Sppeding onward to make up for lost time , i finally reached Hosur where life was brought back to normal in one abrupt turn - back to the traffic and back to the din- electronics city here i come.

A day later i made the trip back home to chennai - uneventful as it was for it never could match the wonder and surprise of the onward trip. I had never imagined travelling so far. Yet as they say - the spirit of man can never be understood for in sudden moments he takes himselves to places unseen with energy unknown - for he is a mortal but his spirit immortal. I do hope this spirit keeps me going on again and make me feel the taste f thunder, rain and sunshine again.
For now my mind is calm still absorbing the serenity of the trip. Yet i am but an untamed animal and i yearn for when my heart starts beating again. My warhorse shall have many roads to conquer and many places to see.
Hail the bikes !! hail the roads and a bow to the Lord !!! Amen !!